Movies suck.


OK, so not all movies suck – but I got your attention.  Lately I’ve noticed that every movie adds some failed romance to help the plot line along.  I’ve never quite understood that.  Who first said, “We have monsters fighting aliens, let’s add some domestic turmoil,” because I want to kick him in the nuts.  Heck, it usually happens to the guy involved, anyway!

I know people are going to say that sex and violence go well together, and I agree!  By all means, if the girl’s shirt gets ripped in the fight and she has to fight off the entire military, soldiers to submarines, wearing only her underwear then so be it.  Stranger things have happened.  Leeloo had to fight her way out of a government lab wearing nothing but bandaids – it could happen.  I just don’t want to hear her drone on about what she wants out of life and how Corben won’t provide it for her.

What bugs me even more than failed romance is when the movie centers around the effect of divorce on kids.  Take the Spiderwick Chronicles.  In the book, they just don’t have a dad.  Well, we can’t have that, can we?  We’ve got to explain the single mother since her place in the world is at the side of some guy, right?  So, in the movie they introduce the dad so the kids can fight with their mom.  What?  Anyone that age doesn’t need a reason to fight against their parents, it happens automatically!  Yet again, “Think of the children” has struck.  Gimme a break!

Let’s look at a few cases:

Monsters vs. Aliens: Hope I’m not ruining the plot for you, but a nice, average girl gets hit by a meteorite and is suddenly ten stories tall.  Her fiance doesn’t want anything to do with her.  Hmm, where have I heard that before?  Oh, yeah, in the Fantastic Four, a movie that even lobotomy can’t remove from your memory!  The only superhero movie that spent more time fighting over feelings than world domination!  I know I should feel bad that the giant orange rock can’t get laid, but I can’t.

Mr. & Mrs. Smith: Oh, wait, that was the whole movie.  Both hitmen (hitpeople?), a man and wife lie to each other about their careers when together they qualify for genocide benifits.  Then they try to kill eachother.  Of course, that makes them happy again once they get their feelings out in the open, mainly through the generous quantity of bullets.  And, just to show how happy they are, they kill about 100 people in a Walmart. What???

Transformers: Why, when your car turns out to be an alien creature and some insanely hot girl now not only talks to you but likes you, would you care than she fails a background check?  Because, aside from that you’d have nothing to fight about, that’s why!  Can’t they just be confused about why the good guys look like a traffic jam and the bad guys are war machines?

Sequels – the curse of all relationships:

Superman: In the latest one, Lois Lane completely rips on Superman in her award-winning article.  She’s engaged to some generic asshole, and her kid has asthma for no apparent reason.  Yes, it turns out to be Superman’s son (see Mallrats for commentary on this situation) but he wins her heart back somehow.  Probably since she got about sixteen concussions randomly throughout the movie.  I swear, if the movie hit a slow spot, someone would whack Lois with a baseball bat for good measure.

Speed 2: “We couldn’t afford the same actor, so we got someone new and a little blind girl for good measure!”  Really, did you have to make that movie in the first place?  And for the Speed 1 fans, did you have insult the lead from the first?  You know what, nobody cares whether a boat full of shuffleboard afficianados gets blown up anyway.

National Treasure 2: Once you’ve got the girl, how do you keep the romance in the movie?  Dump her, or better yet, get dumped!  That way you can keep the same characters and still create a relationship!  Nope, if I was a famous multi-millionare freed from the shackles of an annoying relationship, I’d take some advice from Office space: two girls at one time.  Someone slandered some long-dead relative?  Sorry grandpa, I’ve got a couple very flexible gymnasts on my lap.

Shrek: In both sequels, Shrek and Fiona have relationship difficulties.  Come on, these are kids shows!  We don’t need to teach kids the meaning of “ever after” in “happily ever after.”  Let them dream that everything will be just fine once you kiss the princess or find Prince Charming.  Someday they’ll have the child support payments and curse the notion that “True love’s first kiss” leads to anything better than STD’s, but they don’t need to know that yet!

So I’m not a great movie critic, but I know what I like: if people are getting beaten bloody, go for it.  Action, heroics, comedy, go for it!  But please, quit whining about feelings and relationships.  Is that too much to ask?

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